itleadstoanomie

 hello all! whoever reads this - or if it's just me these days. i have nothing to do so i thought i would revisit my huge wad of personal rantings and maybe i'll continue.

so i've been single for months, i don't really want to go into it, but i suppose these things happen. i didn't want to leave her, and thought we had a future, but if we don't, then we don't, i'm going to continue to be myself and i know this is all i'll need to have a happy and productive life! 

it hasn't been that productive in the last couple of weeks however. Not only did i have a really bad cold which took me out of work for a few days, but i then had a pilonidal cyst...it's a cyst around the tailbone/coccyx area....it became red,swollen, it felt like the whole of that region was on fire! anyway, i went to see a couple of doctors about it, and on the 12th may had to go to hospital to get it partially removed/drained. it was my first ever hospital experience, and also the first time i've been put to sleep. a very surreal feeling. i was skeptical that it was going to work, then the next thing i know i'm waking up in a recovery ward with a drip, being injected with painkillers and pills shoved down my throat! 

i have to visit my nearest health clinic daily for the next week or so to get the wound packed and redressed. it's likely i'm going to be off of work for all of this time too - lovely! i'm so bored already - i'm thinking about how i can use this time productively....but i dont really want to move around too much...hmmm.

i'm sorry to anyone who had to read that last post, i just wasn't in a good frame of mind.

i'm single. me and my girlfriend have split up, i should really put this post as private but i don't think she'll read it. i don't think anyone reads this anyway!

i've been looking through photos of us, being happy, when it all started. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. I felt invincible. I couldn't have asked for someone more perfect.

I still don't really know how this happened, how i'm now apart from her.

she's going to be going away in 4 months time, and i'm so scared that i'm never going to see her again. i'm looking back to last new year, we had champagne, we had a kiss, we had the future - and this new year, all i could think about was what she was doing, if she's having fun.......if she's thinking about me too.

i think the worst feeling in the world is being too late. i know my mistakes, i know how i can make it right, but it's too late, or at least that's how it feels.

nobody who reads this will know anything about my girlfriend (and probabaly not care for that matter!) but she was incredible. One of those people that could simply look at you and send shivers down your spine in excitement. 

i don't know how to come to terms with any of this. i never thought we would break up - that sounds stupid, but i never thought to myself 'i doubt we'll be together in 5 years time' or anything like that, those thoughts never entered my head, because i was so happy with the present.

i just care about her so much, and it's going to be so hard not seeing her for 10 months.

we were going to go travelling together, and i blew it. i promised that i could go with her and then found out that i actually couldn't. well, looking back i could have, if i changed my ways.......hind sight is 20/20 - and i feel like the stupidest person alive for letting this angel out of my arms. 

she'll be happy no matter what she does.....and i want her to be happy.....but how will i ever love again...she's taking my heart around the world with her.

the thought of anything one else fills me with disgust....i don't want anyone else, i don't want a quick rebound so that i can get over this ....i don't want my friends to try and 'get me laid'. i'm refusing it all. i just want her.

i just wish she knew that i would die for her,kill for her, do anything to get her back.

i really miss her xxxxxx

my head is full of mud

and i can't see.

i'm sinking into myself.

self perpetuating dread.

i want to punch kick scream kill and be killed. 

i never seem to post on here anymore. i had a look at blogspot earlier, i know that many people have accounts there now......i never seemed to feel the need to change, i've always liked this site. so i had a look, and it seemed intriguing, but half of the pages wouldn't even load, and it wouldn't post my introductory blog, so i'm ditching it!

so what have i been up to? well i quit my job because it was getting me far too stressed, (also, on a side note, never work with your parents!) i'm seeing my girlfriend a lot, i'm starting to make more music again (bought a boss micro br, ipod sized digital 4 track). and i'm in two minds about setting up a music website again.....it would be fun to do, but i don't think many people come back after the initial look, and myspace is still so popular........and i only have 5 friends on that, so um....not good.

i think i will leave now! i hope all of the people that read this are okay! i'm still lurking and reading everyones entries occasionally! =)

i think that deep down, all of my rantings on this journal exist because i quite simply can never comprehend.......almost anything that happens in life. sometimes i still find it hard to believe that other people exist......when i was little i used to believe i was the only soul in the world, and that everyone else lived as robots, unaware of life and death and just performing a function....i found it hard to believe that other people could see the world, and experience things, like i was.

the world is so big and scary...and unknown, but we've condensed it into a set of rules and we all adhere to them. the sky is blue, in stormy weather, electricity hits the earth............i just wonder how much mental conditioning it took for us to accept it as normality.

it's at this point that i believe i should be pursuing an egotistical pseudo-intellectual 'you know no more than when you started' philosophy degree.

=)

i'm sat here, with a beer, on a sunday, with some music, reflecting on the past week.

a very emotional week.

i have learnt valuable lessons through certain experiences and thoughts.

particularly thursday night......

i will not name what i discovered that night, but i'll always remember.

i have never felt so angry in my entire life.....i've been close before in the past, but never to that degree. i hid it well, my true anger. i wanted to smash mirrors and punch walls in rage. in a primal, animalistic  fashion.....but at the same time, doing that would keep me on his level, PRIMAL masculine instincts and desires....and the need for physical pressure.....so i decided to bury it within me again.

people like that..

make me.....

want to vomit.

and forget that cliche, when i say, they make me sick, i mean i want to shove two fingers into the ridges of my throat, and project rejected food and acids onto them.

i have ranted many a time about the unforgivable primal insticts of the male gender. and times like that....make me happy that i have distanced myself from this gender as much as possible.

----------

but anyway, time moves on....

i've been appreciating that things can just happen....bad things, so you have to appreciate what good there is, and cherish it deeply.

bad experiences contextualise your good ones.

how could you have an amazing experience, without knowing what pain is?

pain needs to be there, and i suppose has to happen in life......

i wouldn't be who i am now, if i hadn't experienced pain.

--------

no matter what happens in my life, i'm going to go out knowing, i did things my way, i thought my way, i didn't give in to the herd.

it may just be my distorted mind, after years of bullying and conditioning, but the majority of people are sheep, and live lives that are not fully realised.

we accept this is all there is , in this paradigm. we are so much more than primal males.

but maybe that's all males want to be.

and maybe people just want to be people.

and want to live life 'like you should'

and that's it.

anger and violence are accepted and justified too much.

and i'm done ranting!

(it was a truly great weekend though! =D)

so i can't believe the time already! it's been a long day, but amazing, i'm sat here now, and the lights are dimmed, and everything is peaceful, and i'm feeling perfect.

she's lying there on the bed, sleeping. i love the innocence that comes through on people's faces when they sleep. it's the side of people that we forget is there throughout the day.

life is so good, i have everything i want, and i'm not taking a minute of it for granted.

i just feel warm inside, and content. life seems so simple, and easy, and stress free, this may very well change for me (of course it will) as i progress further into life, so i'm just appreciating still being young and living these moments of youth.

my whole body is radiating with happiness, it feels like if this room was quiet enough, i would be able to hear a meditative hum from the very core of my being.

i just feel one with everything today, the sights and sounds are flowing with me rather than being abrupt and conflicting.

my head is clear, i really have no worries =)

i really need to make some more music sometime soon.

anyway, now i'm going to wake her up, and hug her, and let her know how valued and admired she is from this lil ol' chris francombe =)

hope everyone is good , by the way, i don't seem to update as much anymore, been a lot busier!!

BLONDE REDHEAD at The Thekla Social in Bristol on Tue 29 May 07 - - - Over 18's only

!!!CHKCHKCHK PLUS SUPPORT at The Anson Rooms in Bristol University Union Building on Sat 24 Mar 07 - - 7.30pm -

THUNDERBIRDS ARE NOW at The Thekla Social in Bristol on Sun 22 Apr 07 - - 7pm -

BATTLES at The Cooler in Bristol on Fri 18 May 07 - Promoted by Qu Junktions - 8pm -

and do i see scout niblett? do i? i can't remember how they sound, but i'm thinking i should go, can anyone advise me?

haven't made a substantial update on here for a while so i think i'll give it a go.

right now, however, my mind is blank. and no thoughts are being formed. this is a typical symptom for a frustrated blogger.

i've just done so much over the past few weeks that i don't know where to begin.

life in general is just great, this is how i always imagined it should be when i was living in those dark caves of depression inside my head.

i couldn't begin to start to tell you how much my frame of mind has changed in the last 2 years.

i am a very lucky person, i have perception and time on my side. i have so much more life to live, it is really, approaching 22, still just the beginning.

the fact that i know i still have so much life to live, is such an exciting prospect to me.

the concept of living life now fills me with joy, i have learnt to appreciate every day, i am not wasting away in my introspective shell any longer, i feel free, i want to run through the cliched 'field in springtime', with my arms outstretched, and with that naive grin on my face, that says more than any words could convey.

right now, my thoughts are : 

"i'd love to be away from bristol, maybe somewhere else in the u.k....but just somewhere. somewhere with clear skies and stars, and alcohol. a social drink, a conversation, and the sky. i want to be chilled out"

i've always been a lover of ambience and i really want that now.

if only i had candles or some mood enhancing lights.

but i don't so i'll stop this silly post! 

chris xx

so they had to change the livejournal motif  to valentines stuff didn't they?

i hate the amount of pressure i feel on this day, it's just stupid.

but i'm very well, not enjoying ranting on here as much as i used to, which is weird. i really must be changing quite a lot.

ordered some great cd's from cdbaby and may order some now.

going to see lovely ginny later on =)

life is good =D

i'm a happy boy x

if any of you are wondering who this new person is, my username used to be 'vibracobra', i've changed it for various reasons, basically i feel i've changed a lot since i created this journal in 2003, and i just wanted to update the name, don't like the other one anymore.

so it's been a very hectic 6 or 7 weeks since the last entry, but also very good!

been working at tv licensing, i've settled down and that's good, routine is good and socialising is good!

i've had a few ups and downs with the opposite sex, but it's straightened out now as i've found someone and i'm very happy =)

i still don't understand my body, most people have their hangovers when they wake up, but for some reason with me, i wake up, feel fine! and then get to about late afternoon and i slowly start to deteriorate, i think i just need food actually, that will help!

also trying to think of an excuse for spending a savings account last year on.....more or less alcohol, the parents really aren't going to be happy, seeing my brother still has his!

well now i'm going to shave, just wanted to update this journal, would be a shame to get rid of it after all these years i suppose.

(and i still worry that one day livejournal's servers will crash and i'll lose years of thoughts, i should get round to printing all of it out!)

chris x

i'm back! after a month of nothingness.

my life is steadily improving.

i've had a job interview with capita, (where my mum works.) i'm hoping that goes all good, despite that fact that it's been a week and still heard nothing back from them, but oh well, they didn't give me a definate time of when to hear from them.

my head is very clear and my thoughts are lucid. i have never felt so comfortable being myself, and promoting it to other people. i am cringing when i look back at journal entries from 2 -3 years ago, and i never thought i would see this day. it's very exciting!

so christmas is coming again, which means that i can continue to be an alcoholic, yet not seem like one! =)

the usual new years resolution of 'lose weight' is popping up in my head, yet again.

minus the bear at the cooler on monday night was amazing! i was so close, literally the second row back from what was hardly a stage. the bassist signed my ticket, i was content, and drunk =D

xx

i woke up about 30 minutes ago and the whole of the back of my head was numb. i freaked out completely, which is why i'm not in bed anymore. it feels alright now.

has this happened to anyone else?

eep.

so i can't stop listening to funky 80's shit. i need to stop this phase it's been going on for ages..........everyone thinks i'm weird, it's lovely!

i have an agency interview for a job i really want, well it would be nice, good location/pay etc, would be ideal! i hope i get it! i don't see why i shouldn't!

tomorrow i am seeing pearl again, going to the cinema, will be gooood =) can't wait.

i'm the happiest i've been in such a long time, life is good =)

chris x

i say wonderful but i'm joking. weird, all through this year, in this incredibly hot summer, where my face melted, i was wishing for these days to come so i could cool down. but i really don't like it, i'm glad i bought a few hoodies this year!

i'm very good, albeit not heard back from any companies yet, but i'm assuming that they may not have received my letters until friday, so maybe i will have to wait another couple of days.

so yesterday was the greatest day i've had this year, well it's certainly in my top 5 =) met up with pearl in kingswood, to go to THE ZOO. was great, had a nice chat, no awkwardness either, which i thought was damn cool =)

so the zoo really has changed, i remember back in the days when it was just a nice zoo, but now it has the atmosphere of a business that spent too much money on making it look modern and slightly tacky in places, and want donations here, there, and everywhere! but i blocked that out all focused on all the pretty weird animals insects and things! animals really amaze me and it was so interesting fun and good =)

so after that got into town and saw pearl off on her bus, got the most amazing hug and i'm hoping that's not the last i receive! great day =)

then later that night i went into bowlplex for a game of pool, but we found neil lewis and chris, and ended up going to the cinema for free.....couldn't say no to that! we watched the world trade center,.....can't really say it's a 'good' film, considering the overall terror and fact that it is a real historical event, but it was well produced, and really tried to evoke the emotions and overall feelings that some people must have felt being trapped once the towers collapsed. yeah, it was well done.

then i came home, felt really tired, and dreamt about weird things, a word of warning to you people. dont go to the zoo and watch the world trade center in the same day - it results in dreams about lions and tigers lifting up cars and throwing them around =\

xxx

i'm going to try and stop ranting for a while, because i was reading back on my entries last night, and they're very negative. so i'm going to try and balance it out with a bit of optimism.

i had the worst head cold ever yesterday, i wake up today and it seems to have *almost* gone. wow. maybe my plan of 'drink stella to numb the shitty feeling' actually worked well! i slept for ages and had a very weird dream. half human, half spider, crawling over a crowd of people.....lovely.

i've been single for a while now, i think in certain ways, it's a good thing that it's happened. i feel really content with my life, my interests, what i want to do...everything, so happyness =)

can't stop listening to XTC - the black sea. i suggest you listen to it. early 80's post punk, yes...you could compare it to a few 'indie' acts these days, but they piss all over them from a great height, particularly this album. great!

so today i'm happy that my cold has settled, looking out of my window at the weather, and thinking.

x

in certain aspects, the past few months have been very very shit. but also when i think about it, they've done more good than anything. 

it feels like things are slipping away from me. i want to say 'FUCK IT' and just move to a different city on my own , get a job  - make friends that way = new life.

sometimes it feels like i have too much past shit around here and it's just annoying.

i want to start fresh, stop making the same mistakes. find like minded people.

i just want new perspectives. something fresh. new people. new experiences.

i also have trouble with anger, releasing it! i'll just go quiet most of the time.

i'm fed up with being quiet chris. i'm learning how to release my anger more often, which means no outbursts and that i can just be assertive rather than psychotic!

you know old chris would just say that he's shit and bores everyone to death. but you know, i've grown a lot over the past year. and i've realised that nothing, NOTHING, should make me feel bad about myself.

so if you find me boring - you're not interesting enough

if you find me too quiet - you probably talk all the time anyway, and compared to some people i know, i'm really not quiet at all.

if you think i'm too deep - i'm not, i go out and have fun, i talk about funny things, i have a laugh with friends, but what's wrong with just talking sometimes? nothing.

if you just find me plain weird - then FUCK YOU. noone is perfect, everyone has flaws. if you spend all your time finding peoples faults and bitching then you really, do . not . have .  a . life .

i'm just me - take it or leave it.

fuck fuck fuck shit shit shit =(

everything.

etc.

so i haven't updated in.....over 2 months. i know i don't update as much as i used to anyway, but quite a long time.

it's all been weird. so many mood swings but i have to say i'm glad i've had them. i've really changed as a person, feel a bit more thick skinned, not as sensitive  - not taking much to heart anymore. i'm happy for it.

i'm fed up with ranting to the public now, on this website. it's a cool community, and in the past i've let out so many bad feeelings that i wanted people to hear. but these days i find that i just want to get on with life, and seeing this journal has mostly been based on bitterness and ranting, i haven't felt like coming here.

it just makes me think how many people probably want to write a lot more, but don't because of certain friends on their list.

not that i have things that will offend my friends, but i don't want all my personal thoughts being heard anymore.

so i might not update again.

but thanks for commenting on all my past rants, it's just that now it seems like whining, and i'm fed up of all of this now, i just want to deal with all of my issues on my own and just get on with life.

thanks

chris x