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17 December 2012 @ 11:41 am
why not start posting again? it's only been years?!

I'm deciding that it may be the time for more venting. I often forget how therapeutic the effect of writing one's thought's and perceptions down can be. 

So many years have passed and i don't really know where to start. i would update with the usual job situation but instead this will be a comment on my thoughts and feelings.

I am getting older, and my need for, what now seems in earlier entries like adolescent hormone fueled tirades, is rapidly diminishing. Or is it?

Isn't this some sort of rant also? Maybe we are the same people when we get older, but learn how to cover our immature shortfals in mature guises. Do people ever really change, or is it just the external packaging and first impression and perception of that person?

Is it possible to vent and not seem like an adolescent? People claim this is a phase and then you 'grow up' because you become more secure, your identity is solidified. What if the security is just another disguise - what if we never grow up inside? 

I think i am trying to express my disillusionment of feeling no different than my teenage years, yet at the same time drastically so. I am watching my friends and peers 'move on', finding wives to be, kids, settling down. I do not want this yet, but at the same time i also do not want a life of no responsibility at all. 

I think being a late 20-something is quite a confusing time. Still within reaching distance of those care-free teenage years, but also feet away from the diving board into the pool of life...and they always put those boards above the deep end.

Perhaps this will not matter due to the supposed impending doom effective 21/12/2012.

Some claim the 'world' is 'ending'. I wish more people would entertain the thought that perhaps it is perception that is the key to life. How we can all be singular human yet have so many different views and ideals. Rather than trying to align our thought processes into one whole (ie. - media controlling us to believe one singular belief), isn't there a significance to the infinite amount of possibilities within ourselves?

I think the media is going out of it's way to force us into one particular way of thinking. The fact that ration packs for the supposed end of the world are being sold, fills me with disappointment. The blind trust that we should put into other people (after all, how can we ever live in a utopia without preaching what you wish to be fulfilled) is being exploited. 

If the world does end i definately don't think i would want to survive amongst the ration pack holders. The sensitivity towards any hostile environment would not cause a wave of kindness and peace, rather i feel the belt would be squeezed even tighter, even more control would want to be seized. Also, if this world is ending, maybe we should accept that time is up. I understand there is a deep seated primal urge to survive - but the people who will be crawling into their bunkers most likely believe they are the key for keeping this world alive. I'm sure it will survive perfectly well without us. Maybe the post 21/12 society will embrace and respect the power of nature, and try to encorporate that into daily teachings......however i get the strangest feeling that a calendar will be created prior to any of this.
 
 
24 February 2010 @ 01:09 pm
my life has changed from a constant memory to a future with arms outstretched. I have broken a few personal records. I am secure. My hormones are balanced. My mind is clear. I see the mistakes i have made. I see the mistakes we all make. I know what to do now. I am doing it. I will continue to do it. I realise my potential. I see my value.
 
 
Current Mood: contentcontent
 
 
14 May 2009 @ 04:30 pm
 hello all! whoever reads this - or if it's just me these days. i have nothing to do so i thought i would revisit my huge wad of personal rantings and maybe i'll continue.

so i've been single for months, i don't really want to go into it, but i suppose these things happen. i didn't want to leave her, and thought we had a future, but if we don't, then we don't, i'm going to continue to be myself and i know this is all i'll need to have a happy and productive life! 

it hasn't been that productive in the last couple of weeks however. Not only did i have a really bad cold which took me out of work for a few days, but i then had a pilonidal cyst...it's a cyst around the tailbone/coccyx area....it became red,swollen, it felt like the whole of that region was on fire! anyway, i went to see a couple of doctors about it, and on the 12th may had to go to hospital to get it partially removed/drained. it was my first ever hospital experience, and also the first time i've been put to sleep. a very surreal feeling. i was skeptical that it was going to work, then the next thing i know i'm waking up in a recovery ward with a drip, being injected with painkillers and pills shoved down my throat! 

i have to visit my nearest health clinic daily for the next week or so to get the wound packed and redressed. it's likely i'm going to be off of work for all of this time too - lovely! i'm so bored already - i'm thinking about how i can use this time productively....but i dont really want to move around too much...hmmm.
 
 
Current Mood: sedated
Current Music: radio 2
 
 
04 January 2009 @ 08:42 pm
back  
i'm sorry to anyone who had to read that last post, i just wasn't in a good frame of mind.

i'm single. me and my girlfriend have split up, i should really put this post as private but i don't think she'll read it. i don't think anyone reads this anyway!

i've been looking through photos of us, being happy, when it all started. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. I felt invincible. I couldn't have asked for someone more perfect.

I still don't really know how this happened, how i'm now apart from her.

she's going to be going away in 4 months time, and i'm so scared that i'm never going to see her again. i'm looking back to last new year, we had champagne, we had a kiss, we had the future - and this new year, all i could think about was what she was doing, if she's having fun.......if she's thinking about me too.

i think the worst feeling in the world is being too late. i know my mistakes, i know how i can make it right, but it's too late, or at least that's how it feels.

nobody who reads this will know anything about my girlfriend (and probabaly not care for that matter!) but she was incredible. One of those people that could simply look at you and send shivers down your spine in excitement. 

i don't know how to come to terms with any of this. i never thought we would break up - that sounds stupid, but i never thought to myself 'i doubt we'll be together in 5 years time' or anything like that, those thoughts never entered my head, because i was so happy with the present.

i just care about her so much, and it's going to be so hard not seeing her for 10 months.

we were going to go travelling together, and i blew it. i promised that i could go with her and then found out that i actually couldn't. well, looking back i could have, if i changed my ways.......hind sight is 20/20 - and i feel like the stupidest person alive for letting this angel out of my arms. 

she'll be happy no matter what she does.....and i want her to be happy.....but how will i ever love again...she's taking my heart around the world with her.

the thought of anything one else fills me with disgust....i don't want anyone else, i don't want a quick rebound so that i can get over this ....i don't want my friends to try and 'get me laid'. i'm refusing it all. i just want her.

i just wish she knew that i would die for her,kill for her, do anything to get her back.

i really miss her xxxxxx
 
 
Current Mood: sadsad
 
 
02 January 2009 @ 12:14 am
hey  
my head is full of mud

and i can't see.

i'm sinking into myself.

self perpetuating dread.

i want to punch kick scream kill and be killed. 
 
 
 
08 November 2007 @ 06:27 pm
i never seem to post on here anymore. i had a look at blogspot earlier, i know that many people have accounts there now......i never seemed to feel the need to change, i've always liked this site. so i had a look, and it seemed intriguing, but half of the pages wouldn't even load, and it wouldn't post my introductory blog, so i'm ditching it!

so what have i been up to? well i quit my job because it was getting me far too stressed, (also, on a side note, never work with your parents!) i'm seeing my girlfriend a lot, i'm starting to make more music again (bought a boss micro br, ipod sized digital 4 track). and i'm in two minds about setting up a music website again.....it would be fun to do, but i don't think many people come back after the initial look, and myspace is still so popular........and i only have 5 friends on that, so um....not good.

i think i will leave now! i hope all of the people that read this are okay! i'm still lurking and reading everyones entries occasionally! =)
 
 
Current Mood: hothot
 
 
04 September 2007 @ 12:04 am
i think that deep down, all of my rantings on this journal exist because i quite simply can never comprehend.......almost anything that happens in life. sometimes i still find it hard to believe that other people exist......when i was little i used to believe i was the only soul in the world, and that everyone else lived as robots, unaware of life and death and just performing a function....i found it hard to believe that other people could see the world, and experience things, like i was.

the world is so big and scary...and unknown, but we've condensed it into a set of rules and we all adhere to them. the sky is blue, in stormy weather, electricity hits the earth............i just wonder how much mental conditioning it took for us to accept it as normality.

it's at this point that i believe i should be pursuing an egotistical pseudo-intellectual 'you know no more than when you started' philosophy degree.

=)
 
 
22 May 2007 @ 06:59 pm

i haven't updated in ages,


but thought i would return and mention that i'm a happy chap =) and life is good.


atp was a lovely lovely weekend, i'm definately going to do it again.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 
 
18 March 2007 @ 04:58 pm
i'm sat here, with a beer, on a sunday, with some music, reflecting on the past week.

a very emotional week.

i have learnt valuable lessons through certain experiences and thoughts.

particularly thursday night......

i will not name what i discovered that night, but i'll always remember.

i have never felt so angry in my entire life.....i've been close before in the past, but never to that degree. i hid it well, my true anger. i wanted to smash mirrors and punch walls in rage. in a primal, animalistic  fashion.....but at the same time, doing that would keep me on his level, PRIMAL masculine instincts and desires....and the need for physical pressure.....so i decided to bury it within me again.

people like that..

make me.....

want to vomit.

and forget that cliche, when i say, they make me sick, i mean i want to shove two fingers into the ridges of my throat, and project rejected food and acids onto them.

i have ranted many a time about the unforgivable primal insticts of the male gender. and times like that....make me happy that i have distanced myself from this gender as much as possible.

----------

but anyway, time moves on....

i've been appreciating that things can just happen....bad things, so you have to appreciate what good there is, and cherish it deeply.

bad experiences contextualise your good ones.

how could you have an amazing experience, without knowing what pain is?

pain needs to be there, and i suppose has to happen in life......

i wouldn't be who i am now, if i hadn't experienced pain.

--------

no matter what happens in my life, i'm going to go out knowing, i did things my way, i thought my way, i didn't give in to the herd.

it may just be my distorted mind, after years of bullying and conditioning, but the majority of people are sheep, and live lives that are not fully realised.

we accept this is all there is , in this paradigm. we are so much more than primal males.

but maybe that's all males want to be.

and maybe people just want to be people.

and want to live life 'like you should'

and that's it.

anger and violence are accepted and justified too much.

and i'm done ranting!

(it was a truly great weekend though! =D)
 
 
10 March 2007 @ 08:16 pm
so i can't believe the time already! it's been a long day, but amazing, i'm sat here now, and the lights are dimmed, and everything is peaceful, and i'm feeling perfect.

she's lying there on the bed, sleeping. i love the innocence that comes through on people's faces when they sleep. it's the side of people that we forget is there throughout the day.

life is so good, i have everything i want, and i'm not taking a minute of it for granted.

i just feel warm inside, and content. life seems so simple, and easy, and stress free, this may very well change for me (of course it will) as i progress further into life, so i'm just appreciating still being young and living these moments of youth.

my whole body is radiating with happiness, it feels like if this room was quiet enough, i would be able to hear a meditative hum from the very core of my being.

i just feel one with everything today, the sights and sounds are flowing with me rather than being abrupt and conflicting.

my head is clear, i really have no worries =)

i really need to make some more music sometime soon.

anyway, now i'm going to wake her up, and hug her, and let her know how valued and admired she is from this lil ol' chris francombe =)

hope everyone is good , by the way, i don't seem to update as much anymore, been a lot busier!!
 
 
Current Mood: refreshedrefreshed
 
 
 
07 March 2007 @ 05:13 pm
BLONDE REDHEAD at The Thekla Social in Bristol on Tue 29 May 07 - - - Over 18's only

!!!CHKCHKCHK PLUS SUPPORT at The Anson Rooms in Bristol University Union Building on Sat 24 Mar 07 - - 7.30pm -

THUNDERBIRDS ARE NOW at The Thekla Social in Bristol on Sun 22 Apr 07 - - 7pm -

BATTLES at The Cooler in Bristol on Fri 18 May 07 - Promoted by Qu Junktions - 8pm -

and do i see scout niblett? do i? i can't remember how they sound, but i'm thinking i should go, can anyone advise me?
 
 
Current Mood: amusedamused
 
 
25 February 2007 @ 09:06 pm
haven't made a substantial update on here for a while so i think i'll give it a go.

right now, however, my mind is blank. and no thoughts are being formed. this is a typical symptom for a frustrated blogger.

i've just done so much over the past few weeks that i don't know where to begin.

life in general is just great, this is how i always imagined it should be when i was living in those dark caves of depression inside my head.

i couldn't begin to start to tell you how much my frame of mind has changed in the last 2 years.

i am a very lucky person, i have perception and time on my side. i have so much more life to live, it is really, approaching 22, still just the beginning.

the fact that i know i still have so much life to live, is such an exciting prospect to me.

the concept of living life now fills me with joy, i have learnt to appreciate every day, i am not wasting away in my introspective shell any longer, i feel free, i want to run through the cliched 'field in springtime', with my arms outstretched, and with that naive grin on my face, that says more than any words could convey.

right now, my thoughts are : 

"i'd love to be away from bristol, maybe somewhere else in the u.k....but just somewhere. somewhere with clear skies and stars, and alcohol. a social drink, a conversation, and the sky. i want to be chilled out"

i've always been a lover of ambience and i really want that now.

if only i had candles or some mood enhancing lights.

but i don't so i'll stop this silly post! 

chris xx
 
 
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: 12 rods - the stupidest boy
 
 
16 February 2007 @ 07:38 pm
ahhh  
so they had to change the livejournal motif  to valentines stuff didn't they?

i hate the amount of pressure i feel on this day, it's just stupid.

but i'm very well, not enjoying ranting on here as much as i used to, which is weird. i really must be changing quite a lot.

ordered some great cd's from cdbaby and may order some now.

going to see lovely ginny later on =)

life is good =D

i'm a happy boy x
 
 
27 January 2007 @ 03:53 pm
if any of you are wondering who this new person is, my username used to be 'vibracobra', i've changed it for various reasons, basically i feel i've changed a lot since i created this journal in 2003, and i just wanted to update the name, don't like the other one anymore.

so it's been a very hectic 6 or 7 weeks since the last entry, but also very good!

been working at tv licensing, i've settled down and that's good, routine is good and socialising is good!

i've had a few ups and downs with the opposite sex, but it's straightened out now as i've found someone and i'm very happy =)

i still don't understand my body, most people have their hangovers when they wake up, but for some reason with me, i wake up, feel fine! and then get to about late afternoon and i slowly start to deteriorate, i think i just need food actually, that will help!

also trying to think of an excuse for spending a savings account last year on.....more or less alcohol, the parents really aren't going to be happy, seeing my brother still has his!

well now i'm going to shave, just wanted to update this journal, would be a shame to get rid of it after all these years i suppose.

(and i still worry that one day livejournal's servers will crash and i'll lose years of thoughts, i should get round to printing all of it out!)

chris x
 
 
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: 12 rods - mexico
 
 
07 December 2006 @ 12:53 pm
i'm back! after a month of nothingness.

my life is steadily improving.

i've had a job interview with capita, (where my mum works.) i'm hoping that goes all good, despite that fact that it's been a week and still heard nothing back from them, but oh well, they didn't give me a definate time of when to hear from them.

my head is very clear and my thoughts are lucid. i have never felt so comfortable being myself, and promoting it to other people. i am cringing when i look back at journal entries from 2 -3 years ago, and i never thought i would see this day. it's very exciting!

so christmas is coming again, which means that i can continue to be an alcoholic, yet not seem like one! =)

the usual new years resolution of 'lose weight' is popping up in my head, yet again.

minus the bear at the cooler on monday night was amazing! i was so close, literally the second row back from what was hardly a stage. the bassist signed my ticket, i was content, and drunk =D

xx
 
 
 
02 November 2006 @ 08:12 am
i woke up about 30 minutes ago and the whole of the back of my head was numb. i freaked out completely, which is why i'm not in bed anymore. it feels alright now.

has this happened to anyone else?

eep.
 
 
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: silence
 
 
19 October 2006 @ 09:36 pm
so i can't stop listening to funky 80's shit. i need to stop this phase it's been going on for ages..........everyone thinks i'm weird, it's lovely!

i have an agency interview for a job i really want, well it would be nice, good location/pay etc, would be ideal! i hope i get it! i don't see why i shouldn't!

tomorrow i am seeing pearl again, going to the cinema, will be gooood =) can't wait.

i'm the happiest i've been in such a long time, life is good =)

chris x
 
 
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: scritti politti - a little knowledge
 
 
16 October 2006 @ 10:59 am
i say wonderful but i'm joking. weird, all through this year, in this incredibly hot summer, where my face melted, i was wishing for these days to come so i could cool down. but i really don't like it, i'm glad i bought a few hoodies this year!

i'm very good, albeit not heard back from any companies yet, but i'm assuming that they may not have received my letters until friday, so maybe i will have to wait another couple of days.

so yesterday was the greatest day i've had this year, well it's certainly in my top 5 =) met up with pearl in kingswood, to go to THE ZOO. was great, had a nice chat, no awkwardness either, which i thought was damn cool =)

so the zoo really has changed, i remember back in the days when it was just a nice zoo, but now it has the atmosphere of a business that spent too much money on making it look modern and slightly tacky in places, and want donations here, there, and everywhere! but i blocked that out all focused on all the pretty weird animals insects and things! animals really amaze me and it was so interesting fun and good =)

so after that got into town and saw pearl off on her bus, got the most amazing hug and i'm hoping that's not the last i receive! great day =)

then later that night i went into bowlplex for a game of pool, but we found neil lewis and chris, and ended up going to the cinema for free.....couldn't say no to that! we watched the world trade center,.....can't really say it's a 'good' film, considering the overall terror and fact that it is a real historical event, but it was well produced, and really tried to evoke the emotions and overall feelings that some people must have felt being trapped once the towers collapsed. yeah, it was well done.

then i came home, felt really tired, and dreamt about weird things, a word of warning to you people. dont go to the zoo and watch the world trade center in the same day - it results in dreams about lions and tigers lifting up cars and throwing them around =\

xxx
 
 
Current Mood: warm
 
 
14 October 2006 @ 03:15 pm
i'm going to try and stop ranting for a while, because i was reading back on my entries last night, and they're very negative. so i'm going to try and balance it out with a bit of optimism.

i had the worst head cold ever yesterday, i wake up today and it seems to have *almost* gone. wow. maybe my plan of 'drink stella to numb the shitty feeling' actually worked well! i slept for ages and had a very weird dream. half human, half spider, crawling over a crowd of people.....lovely.

i've been single for a while now, i think in certain ways, it's a good thing that it's happened. i feel really content with my life, my interests, what i want to do...everything, so happyness =)

can't stop listening to XTC - the black sea. i suggest you listen to it. early 80's post punk, yes...you could compare it to a few 'indie' acts these days, but they piss all over them from a great height, particularly this album. great!

so today i'm happy that my cold has settled, looking out of my window at the weather, and thinking.

x
 
 
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: xtc - rocket from a bottle
 
 
18 September 2006 @ 12:54 pm
in certain aspects, the past few months have been very very shit. but also when i think about it, they've done more good than anything. 

it feels like things are slipping away from me. i want to say 'FUCK IT' and just move to a different city on my own , get a job  - make friends that way = new life.

sometimes it feels like i have too much past shit around here and it's just annoying.

i want to start fresh, stop making the same mistakes. find like minded people.

i just want new perspectives. something fresh. new people. new experiences.

i also have trouble with anger, releasing it! i'll just go quiet most of the time.

i'm fed up with being quiet chris. i'm learning how to release my anger more often, which means no outbursts and that i can just be assertive rather than psychotic!

you know old chris would just say that he's shit and bores everyone to death. but you know, i've grown a lot over the past year. and i've realised that nothing, NOTHING, should make me feel bad about myself.

so if you find me boring - you're not interesting enough

if you find me too quiet - you probably talk all the time anyway, and compared to some people i know, i'm really not quiet at all.

if you think i'm too deep - i'm not, i go out and have fun, i talk about funny things, i have a laugh with friends, but what's wrong with just talking sometimes? nothing.

if you just find me plain weird - then FUCK YOU. noone is perfect, everyone has flaws. if you spend all your time finding peoples faults and bitching then you really, do . not . have .  a . life .

i'm just me - take it or leave it.
 
 
 
16 September 2006 @ 03:55 pm
fuck fuck fuck shit shit shit =(

everything.

etc.
 
 
12 September 2006 @ 12:18 pm
woah  
so i haven't updated in.....over 2 months. i know i don't update as much as i used to anyway, but quite a long time.

it's all been weird. so many mood swings but i have to say i'm glad i've had them. i've really changed as a person, feel a bit more thick skinned, not as sensitive  - not taking much to heart anymore. i'm happy for it.

i'm fed up with ranting to the public now, on this website. it's a cool community, and in the past i've let out so many bad feeelings that i wanted people to hear. but these days i find that i just want to get on with life, and seeing this journal has mostly been based on bitterness and ranting, i haven't felt like coming here.

it just makes me think how many people probably want to write a lot more, but don't because of certain friends on their list.

not that i have things that will offend my friends, but i don't want all my personal thoughts being heard anymore.

so i might not update again.

but thanks for commenting on all my past rants, it's just that now it seems like whining, and i'm fed up of all of this now, i just want to deal with all of my issues on my own and just get on with life.

thanks

chris x
 
 
Current Mood: strong
 
 
08 July 2006 @ 01:53 pm
i really want to stop this, i want to plot out my thoughts in a regular pattern again, because when i do this every month or every few weeks, my head is a mess, it's a struggle trying to remember those thoughts that were important at the time, and worthy of being typed out.

i've been fine, but i also haven't. things are still changing insde of me, and i can't even describe how because i've never felt like this before. i've just been thinking about how i appear to people, and if it differs from how i see myself. i know the answer is always yes, but i've always wanted to know how it looks seeing chris from the outside. i need to speak my thoughts.

there is a very cool job for ents24 that i want to apply for even though i didn't get it the last time, maybe this is *the* *time*.

i missed the appleseed cast in the u.k, which made me sad, but they are back sometime later this year, and i WILL be going.

i'm going to stop questioning my existence and liberate myself completey - and then have a shower.

just wanted to update quickly.

band practice soon, i can't wait, i have been feeling so creative recently, i'm getting my old spark back, inspiration is coming to me without me even having to look, it's always best that way.

xxx
 
 
Current Mood: clear
 
 
01 June 2006 @ 12:47 pm
why am i always drawn to this journal when things feel bad inside of me? i wish i could be one of those people that write every day about their super adventurous life, where every single day is unique and creates that buzz of energy that hums around inside for days and days.

i am feeling fucking shit today, it had to happen i suppose. Chris can't just instantly get better. i've been so happy lately and as i guessed, anxiety and depression has obviously popped up to see what's going on.

indescribable depression, butterflies, adrenaline, my stomach is sinking, my brain is filled with dread, why is this happening?

i wonder if i'm ever going to be able to tame my brain. why do i always feel disconnected from everything? as if i'm only semi conscious......why can i never truly enjoy anything, because half of my body isn't paying attention and is in fucking daydream-land.

at this precise moment i feel like sacrificing this limiting creative mindset and experiencing normality, i want my senses to dull down, i am fed up of being hypersensitive, it is so draining.

i'm fed up of riding these emotional rollercoasters, they got boring years ago. but how can i stop if i don't know where all the other rides are?

i'm feeling so vulnerable right now, it's so unattractive, this gentle breeze could kill me if i opened my window any more.

*sigh*
 
 
Current Mood: vulnerable
Current Music: none
 
 
11 May 2006 @ 04:39 pm
so hot today, everyone is out, people are everywhere.

it's been a while, and i've been very good. for once i don't think i need to rant about everything.

i met up with a certain someone after talking for a while online, and things are very good between us, we're getting closer. i'm actually being myself. it's making me think how closed up and secretive i am to everyone i know.(i don't say anything about myself, i just listen to other people's lives). i'm feeling not so scared in people knowing the real me. i suppose it's a bit teenage, but i don't think real me fits in with many people, and maybe it's an advantage, and to someone it could be attractive, who knows.

my head is fucking itching, and has gone red and scabby at the back, hair feels thinner, and i'm deciding to go to the doctors about it.....hope it's nothing serious. =(

that's it, i feel stronger and more alive than a month ago, i hope it stays this way.
 
 
 
18 April 2006 @ 03:20 pm
it was my 21st on sunday, it was quite a fun weekend. went to ramshackle on friday night, went to club uk on saturday night, went to a pub and played pool on the sunday.

i would tell you about hilarious circumstances that confirm why 21 is such a 'landmark' birthday, but i would be lying. it was quite average!

am i an asshole in enjoying company with my friends, but only on my terms? i never open up to them, and i don't know if ill ever be able to considering all the stuff from when i was in school, it's still printed in my subconscious.

and i say friends, but i only see them if it's going to drink, or an event, a gig....

it's just a bit mahh right now. chris is really pushing me towards starting a band again, he wants neil to join and he wants me 'to teach him how to play a synth', yeah, of course! one problem, i dont know how to.

part of me wants control in the musical process, but not when i'm just making music for everyone else, i know they just want it as a bit of fun, but we're shit, why havent they realised that? they cant play music.

chris has added our band myspace profile to practice spaces in bristol, and other friends....WHY? if he craves a band that much then maybe he should learn an instrument or try songwriting aside from lyrics. it looks stupid, it's looks like we're kids trying to get big overnight by excessive plugging, on myspace.

am i wrong to feel like this? considering i've always wanted music, and yet none of them wanted to start a band before the internet showed us how disposable and easy it is to create one and get noticed.

i'm just....it feels wrong. i never would have thought 6 years ago, when they were bullying me, that they would be asking me in the future to form a band with them...again.

i just want to tell them to fuck off, basically, well, get another guitarist. i'm buying a digital multitrack recorder with my birthday money =) i might have enough to buy one with built in cd mastering, which would be very nice!

i want to concentrate on MY SOLO WORK. how can i tell this to people who 1)don't even know i've been making music on my own for about 7 years, and 2)would take it personally if i'm not in the band because it's 'just a bit of fun'.

am i way too serious? i'm just fed up with compromising, chris has already stated that he wants it to be 'summery and very happy power punk pop'. why is he telling me what style to play when he has no musical creativity himself, and is merely stringing words together for vocals? why do i feel compelled to obey?

i'm fed up, i want to make music on my terms, the band isnt going anywhere.

someone comment =)
 
 
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: don caballero - ones all over the place
 
 
30 March 2006 @ 12:53 pm
Poll #700931 anxiety

why am i an anxious bastard all the time?

because you're scared of the power you could release
0(0.0%)
because shit happened to you, i guess it's understandable
3(42.9%)
because you're just used to an old way of thinking
2(28.6%)
because you think like a minority
0(0.0%)
i don't know, you seem quite normal to me
2(28.6%)
 
 
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: nothing
 
 
29 March 2006 @ 01:03 pm
these weeks are going fast.

do many of you see a future with this website with people like myspace et al trying to dominate with their blog thing?

i've never liked that style, the myspace blog style, it just seems very impersonal in a way i can't even begin to describe. this website always had a stable feel to it, even a few years ago when i signed up, i know it wouldn't be going anywhere. myspace on the other hand, would probably remove their blog code if it became uncool.

it's still funny seeing people new to 'blog culture' writing about how much they love someone, thinking they are the most important person in the word and they mean everything to everyone. and to me, i feel embarassed for them. i suppose it's because i used to be a lot like that (look at my oldest entries), but i was suffering from that affliction of being 16 =)

i've always wondered if i'm going to be on livejournal for the rest of my life, or there will be some huge website crash, and i'll lose years or writing, and think 'oh well, so much for memories'. sometimes i think the sentimental value of the memories i have on here would be huuuuge if i actually wrote a diary. meh.

if any of you have myspace then feel free to add me, http://www.myspace.com/theprofileofchris.

i just tried to scratch my back and almost dislocated my shoulder, ouch.
 
 
Current Mood: pain
Current Music: nothing
 
 
09 March 2006 @ 12:53 pm
i haven't updated in exactly one month. which reminds me that i haven't even browsed this website in that long. where has my zest for journal writing gone? and also, spying on others lives. maybe this is a bad few months, and i will later emerge spouting crap everyday about the consistency of my cups of tea and my ever changing levels of tiredness.

still using the weights, and my arms/shoulders are getting bigger, shame about the fact that i have a belly to lose really, but oh well. i'm hardly getting any neck pains at all anymore (i have bad posture, always slouching blah)so it's not all bad.

there's nothing to note down, i'm sure i could conduct a rant. i don't feel like it.

went to cheethams house party on the 18th of last month. it was pretty good, better than average, it seems that its usually the disastrous events that mark a good time rather than pleasant company, i want to go to better house parties, invite me someone =)

people collapsing due to drink etc

one of my friends - drunkenly - went back to asda to get some booze, and invited some girls to come to the party, who he later finds out are 15!!! it was funny watching them squirm in the corner.

i went into the kitchen, where they were, to get a drink, where one of them starts talking to me, i wanted to call her vicky pollard, all of them, infact. i couldn't understand a thing they were saying, and they thought i was taking the piss! was quite amusing.

one of them starting saying 'do you know xyz?' in the typical safety in numbers and associations style of questioning that young people like a lot. i forgot about when people would do that in our youth. i didnt know, i knew i was never going to know!

then out of the blue, the eternal question

"are you a jitter?"

i can't believe it's still being used, i remember about 2000-01, it started, but was solely for baggy jeans, and SKATERS! maybe it just changes with the rock fashions - short jeans t shirt short hair wearing chris, however, could not understand why this was even mentioned. i had to ask her to repeat herself abot 4 times because i couldnt hear her, but was amazed that the question even came up.

so i asked her, "well what do you think?" expecting a yes or no answer, its not that hard!

but she replies 'i don't know, are you?'

urgh, i forgot how sheep-like 15 year olds can be, too scared to talk and use safe one liners infront of their friends.

then my other friend comes in, he has long hair, they start getting a bit funny, they are clearly chavs and try to act cool despite the blatent rock orientated household they were inhabiting!

so my friend says 'woah what are you all doing? just relax its a nice party, there's no need for hostility'

to which a girl replies, 'hos-ti---li-lllty.....ok you'll have to tell me what that is i'm not brainy' =)

the funny thing is, despite the cool acting and whatnot, abot half an hour later they started talking to me and my bro saying that they think everyone hates them and they're not welcome, hahaha. i gave a very apathetic answer and they ended up leaving.

i drunkenly went on my friends guitar, and despite my intoxication gave them musical gold! nothing, no interest at all, my friend starts meekly attempting to play the intro a taking back sunday song, and then about 6 people come in, stupid, my musicianship needs attention, i'm tired of keeping it to myself now =(

so i will selfishly plug.

http://www.myspace.com/thisisraiocoi

http://www.purevolume.com/sandinyoureyes
 
 
Current Mood: adrenaline, for some reason
Current Music: nothing
 
 
09 February 2006 @ 12:02 am
so i want to have a cup of tea now, it relaxes me from my nothingness days. i think i'm sensitive to caffeine, one cup of coffee, i'm buzzing for 15 minutes, and then all of a sudden i crash, dizzyness, sweating, nausea...the same symptoms i get after energy drinks, so that must be it.

coffee obsessives piss me off, can i really be missing out on that much by skipping 15 coffees a day? people say it as if it's a good thing - 'ooo when i wake up i have to have my 3 cigarettes and a cup of coffee'....m'yeah.

not doing much, still jobless, but as i'm using this journal more for emotional purposes rather than status, it doesn't really matter.

i bought some weights. i am starting to get used to these weights. it's been about 10 days i think. my muscles are getting bigger, but not firmer, it will take months to tone up anyway, but i'm getting used to lifting them (i had trouble at first) so it's all good.

dentist tomorrow! let's hope i'm fine, i should be.

i've ordered some nice new shoes.

that's it! ohhh and funking out to level 42, funky shit, i think i'll put it on again!

ooooo also getting the hair cut again tomorrow, nice n short.....it will be weird, but meh, hair grows.

xxx
 
 
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Current Music: will be level 42 - the pursuit of accidents
 
 
 
31 January 2006 @ 09:39 pm
does anyone have an indietorrents and/or oink invite they could give me? i've been trying for weeks now, no luck =(

please =)

francombe @ gmail.com
 
 
23 January 2006 @ 02:01 pm
sometimes i feel i should use this journal for more than rants, and maybe i should try that 'write every day about shit' thing. but i get the feeling noone is really that interested about what i eat for breakfast etc.

i've managed to download grange hill series 9, from 1986. i was pretty interested to see how it would compare to the most recent efforts that i would casually watch when flicking through the channels. i'm now addicted and on episode 12 out of 24, and i want to know why. when i first put it on, it was tacky, stilted acting, contains issues that just seem bland in comparison to today's schools, some boy got told off for finding toaster and selling toast in the playground, leaving the canteen out of money for that day. yeah?! naughty boy! i'm wondering why they cancelled grange hill actually. maybe episodes would be far too horrible if shown , tacky r n b music, kids talking like they want to rap, happy slapping....maybe they were right to pull the plug on the show. i can see it - synopsis - episode 1, 2006 - stacey turns red when emma finds her secret mobile phone wallpaper! doesnt grip me at all.

i have to mention that the bully in 1986 is just some girl with a mullet, she's not even dressed to intimidate - same school uniform as everyone else, all she does is grab people by the collar.

anyway now i'm addicted and i dont know why, maybe it reminds me of other stuff i would watch as a little boy.


 
 
Current Mood: lazylazy
Current Music: none
 
 
17 January 2006 @ 12:30 am
where is my life going? can i even figure it out?

some people say that it's crucial that a career is planned, and that's how things work - but others say that life will just happen, relax and let it unfold at its own pace.

i must break free.

i already think that 2006 is going to be a big year, for gigs, music, money, personal exploration again...

ooo another question! do any of you think that self esteem and material gains - i.e steady job, money, contentment with spending go hand in hand with finding someone for a relationship? would love to see what people think =)
 
 
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Current Music: sonic youth - cinderella's big score
 
 
02 January 2006 @ 02:38 pm
so the new year is here, no more excuse for a seasonal beer belly, or procrastination, this is where i start another annual voyage.

do you hate those insane people that obsess about christmas and love it dearly? the ones that probably still want to believe in santa, it seems. i'm all for having a good time, but can we just admit that it's a lot more superficial and forced these days?

example

*naturally high bouncy girl walking past me* - cheer up, it's christmas!

me - it's been pretty overrated since i started growing up, it takes more than a season to make me happy i'm afraid, but alcohol does induce christmas visions from time to time, and that's when the christmas songs actually become dancable.

girl - *that look*

i know i sound bitter, i'm up for a good time but maybe i'm just surrounded by people who still want to celebrate christmas how they did when they were kids. and i dont care what you think because i know the majority of people *love* christmas, but meh!

i need alcohol at that time of year, here is pictoral evidence:


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v393/chrisfrancombe/IMG_0781.jpg

alcohol at christmas means i am easily influenced into sexual activiy - everyone wins!


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v393/chrisfrancombe/DSC00059.jpg

alcohol at christmas means i can look like this and then proceed to prance around my household in a shroud of tinsel and glitter, cursing the day that we wont be able to hear slade again!







so with that thought - merry christmas and a happy new year!
 
 
Current Mood: sicksick
 
 
11 December 2005 @ 11:34 pm
i'm having one of those unfortunately rare moments where motivation sky rockets. i think it's all these '2005 what have you done what will you do....ARE YOU COOl?' surveys i've seen whilst floating around online. i don't want to fill one of these in....i haven't done much =( i've let things slide for too long now....2006 will be *the* definitive chris year, i can feel it. anxiety and depression have repressed so many aspects of my personality and general creativity, and it's seeping out these days whether i like it or not....i think that's a very self absorbed way of saying that once again, i have improved on the anxiety front this year. when i think back to how i was at 16, i've really improved.

so my aspirations for the following year are:

be myself around people a lot more

get money

use said amounts of money for musical purposes, something useful that will exercise my brain

get back into reading.....so if anyone knows of any books that are GENUINELY interesting, thought provoking, then please suggest =)

be more sociable, i must make an effort!

...make an effort!

-----

i hope that all my lj buddies have had a good year! ooo 21 next year, maybe thats why i think it will be *the* year. i think a primary school reunion could be on the cards aswell ... =D
 
 
Current Mood: buzzing
Current Music: a minor forest - look at that
 
 
 
05 December 2005 @ 02:15 pm
another update, not that i've been doing that much, still jobless, need money.

so i managed to see les savy fav last thursday with my brother, what a gig! really good sound and all the bands were so very tight. (support: thunderbirds are now! - weird war). got very drunk and merry and dancey (read: drunken swagger), and when i went to get another beer even had tim harrington opening his wine next to me and breakdancing on the floor. lovely =)

it makes me wish how i was at atp last weekend, not that i would have anyone to go to....perhaps i should go next year and hire a 5 man chalet for myself, then get drunk and invite randoms in.....it's a plan....

...or i can just ask you livejournal people if any are planning to go next year? i'll most likely be going to the weekend with sleater kinney but it depends how the line up's turn out. i still can't believe how i haven't been there yet though, i think i've known about it for a good few years, i think it's the lack of knowing the amount of people that would A) enjoy the artists B) actually get the money and want to go and C) want to go with me =D

i'm continuing to make my electronic ditty music, found some new plugins that i think will really improve the overall sound...i just have to be patient. so visit http://www.myspace.com/thisisraiocoi and have a listen, if you are intrigued.

and i named this post 'white cold' because the weather is generally irritating me right now, one day it's mild, then it's freezing, then it's raining, then windy, gah! make your mind up please! i don't mind any of that weather but i don't want it all at once!
 
 
Current Mood: coldcold
 
 
14 November 2005 @ 11:41 am
i really want to update more and keep these writing skills before they deteriorate. it's funny looking back at other journals i had, at 16/17. different person...well, the way i wrote would make you think i was completely different. then along came my english literature a level and...anyway, ranting.
all of my room has to go out again, floorboards are being improved. also looking into fixing my pc unit - i really can't believe we trusted this guy to make it. the slide out part for the keyboard doesnt have enough room for the mouse to go alongside it, instead i had to stretch and use the mouse on the top next to the monitor, it's not fun. i think i'm going to have to buy a laptop.
anyway, the part that my pc tower slots into has NO VENTILATION! is he stupid? every time i put the pc in there, give it half an hour and it will freeze due to the heat, or if i'm downloading a lot then 15 minutes. so the actual unit is sticking out almost in the middle of my room, and has done for quite some time. oh well, at least i have a computer.

saw melt banana last tuesday, very cool night overall. probably my favourite gig of the year. the flow was good. really intriguing music. if they play near you i suggest going to see them, all support bands and interlude music is very interesting, and luckily was challenging enough to get me out of my musical apathy. i've been going to shit nightclubs with shit music and it's been too routine, now i can't be assed to go.
not going out this week until thursday. i'm going to check this club stutter place out. it's interesting, when i first saw it i didn't think anyone i knew would like that sort of night, but they've been going every week for a few weeks now. maybe it's because you see lots of new faces there. well either way i will be going and update you on it, i will of course be checking if they have obligatory songs to make a great club or whether they are an 'indie' club in the way i really didn't want them to be =(

currently watching father ted series 3. one of the best comedies ever! =D

*************
i also have a new journal devoted to my dreams. if you like reading about fucked up, uncensored sleep thoughts then please add me.


isdreaming
 
 
Current Mood: messy
 
 
10 November 2005 @ 02:39 am
http://www.myspace.com/thisisraiocoi

add me/ignore me/comment me

delete as appropriate =)
 
 
 
28 October 2005 @ 12:19 pm
until i'm so bored that i have to update this journal, how great.

it's been alright over the past month. nice having a bit of spare time just to think about my life, and where its heading.

i'm excited about music again, havent heard any new stuff for weeks and then what happens? it all comes at once, it always seems to be like that.

i'm also excited for my new music stuff, which i'll be getting underway soon. its all going to be from my 4 track, so analogue lovelyness. i'm thinking of making the drums/additional synths/textures on my computer, then recording them onto my 4 track as the base to my song. this excites me because not only will the drums be high quality stereo, and the synths, but its that steady rhythmn that i havent been able to maintain yet. i'm going to sing now too. i have a shitty voice but i'm fed up with instrumentals now, i want to see how good i am with vocal tracks, so go me! also continuing to make my electronic based ditties/possible old skool computer music =) if any of you want to hear then http://www.myspace.com/raiocoimusic - maybe its shit but if you think so leave a comment/add me! :)

saw minus the bear last sunday. at last. i never thought i'd be seeing them again after i missed them last year..i think it was last year. but nope, they were back, and at the croft! i think the band room has a total capacity of around 200, and you could tell. very intimate and you wouldnt think they were as big as they are. no pretention, just playing the music. certain things bothered me though, like everyone else there being an 'emo' kid. i wonder if people get into this band from different perspectives. i, myself got into them because i knew about the past bands the memebers were in, and this music still possessed that technical guitar playing and tight rhythm. everyone else there seemed to want to have an emo wank about the incredible song names! omgomgomg! seriously who fucking cares, you people seemed to like the song names rather than the actual song. shouting 'track 9' when it's obvious to real fans that they have 4+ cd's? if these people think the song names are so original, emo, and cool, i suggest they check out locust, no wait , better yet, anal cunt. thats it.

new journal style too, i like simplicity. same with my myspace profile, dont like the cluttered image laden ones that NEVER FULLY LOAD ON MY COMPUTER, i dont know how most people can visit their profile!
 
 
Current Mood: coldcold
 
 
 
11 October 2005 @ 02:35 pm
so confused by emotions. i feel great, things arent so bad. then i feel shit, everything is against me.

i feel so unstable and it isnt good.

my parents are trying to guilt and rush me into another job as soon as possible. i want to make a happy life for myself, i want to work, but i'm comtemplating whether diving into any old job is something i should be doing, given my current state. i wish i could find something relaxing, not so demanding, so that i could find it easier to slip into the working world again.

one part of me is saying that i need medication and doctors visits for this anxiety/over thinking/overanalysing/depression/ whatever it is, and another part is saying that i've improved so much over the last 2 years, maybe counselling, a safe place to talk to someone and get things off my chest, is all that i need.

but i need to do something. i want to feel that i have a positive effect on people. my current apathy and lack of ability to be myself means that i'm agreeing with everything people are saying just so i can be involved in their conversations and so that they have no reason to reject me. but really i'm just a filler friend, transparent. people don't notice me because i don't even know who i am.

depressing, but that all too familiar numbing apathy prevents me from any reaction to this.
 
 
19 September 2005 @ 10:59 am
in nearly everything we do, we subconsciously demand acceptance from others for what we are doing. to make sure that it is all in natural order, that we are right to think like this, hence, why we promote our thoughts to people, we want a reaction more than anything. a confirmation that people understand and that we are acceptable.

imagine a life where you didn't need this clarification, where it was enough just being judged by yourself, without the need for exterior influences. your ego would disappear, because you wouldn't have to prove yourself to the world, again, for this idea of being accepted.

most people only care about themselves and yet we (i) worry how we're being thought of, a lot of the time people don't even care, yet we feel that they do = because we feel that we get this attention from people whether we like it or not, we subconsciously want the best possible image to be presented to them, which is why we all live from the ego.

but what if we didn't?

the ego is your exterior - the superficial, it is how we see ourselves, and we often get confused and believe that that is all we are.

i firmly believe that there is a person lying beneath this ego, beneath this everyday life we have, and this guise we think is ourselves, which is reality is just stabalising and maintaing our ego.

i've been reading about this, it's all very interesting. the ego thrives on what people think of it, and therefore any comment will effect this ego, positive or negative.

it's one thing letting insults pass you by, but i'm realising, in order to live without ego, you not only would have to stop insults from affecting you, but compliments also. if you accept a positive comment into your head, the ego will eat it up and inflate, whether you like it or not.

its a scary concept, isnt it? we're so used to the ego, it seems so integral in this modern day world, that i really cannot comprehend how it must feel to get rid of it. at first i thought i would just be a robot, with no thoughts or feelings, just an empty mass, unaffected by anything, so it doesnt change. then i started thinking more. imagine the beautiful freedom you would feel when you act solely from yourself, when that inner you shines out. when external influence does nothing. you being purely you.

i don't think it's completely possible where i'm living now, but i love this idea.
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: longwave - wake me when it's over
 
 
16 September 2005 @ 07:55 am
iiii  
i quit this morning, way too stressful.

a note to all you people, if you ever get a job where you have to support people with learning disabilities and challenging behaviour, please please remember the challenging behaviour part before applying!

meh.

back to square one.
 
 
Current Music: morning cars and cold silence
 
 
31 August 2005 @ 01:07 pm
from work right now, at lunch break...

this is going to take some getting used to..
 
 
27 August 2005 @ 03:45 am
want to hear something pathetic?

i'm fucking drunk, and all i want is physical contact with a female, it feels like shitty primative instinct, but that's all i'm wanting, just intimacy with a female.

why do i keep thinking that i'm going to get lucky and find a nice girl thats RIGHT FOR ME at shitty general nightclubs?

why cant i just admit to myself that i'm a fucking minority and that i have to do things differently than the norm in able to find someone compatable..


dance floors are egotistical.,

i'm pissed off.

i deserve someone, it's been too fucking long, and too fucking depressing.

i would be the best fucking boyfriend ever,

but i'm not loud, i'm not a 'bad boy', or dangerous. i play by the rules, i'm ordinary, average, i'm not a player. this isn't enough apparently.

i piss myself off, as do people in general.

drunken rant ends now.
 
 
 
24 August 2005 @ 12:57 pm
our upstairs is being decorated, furniture is everywhere! i'm currently squashed between wardrobes whilst writing this =) i can't wait until it's done though. my room has been very samey for...well, since i was a kid, so it's going to be nice =)

haven't been doing that much, no money, shame how a lot of things require money. it's going to be nice to have money again.

i'm getting a lot better at table tennis now! anyone want a game?

it's one of those dull grey days where all you find yourself doing is thinking about all the other rainy days you've had, doing nothing.

i want an acoustic guitar. does anyone have a 12 string? are they tricky?

anyone in bristol want to do ANYTHING music related?
 
 
Current Mood: okayokay
Current Music: boring radio
 
 
19 August 2005 @ 09:09 am
9.09  
maybe i should start using this a bit more again. thoughts pop into my head, mainly rants, but i only get a little taste in my head. i know that i need to write the initial thought down in order to analyse it and take it further, but the energy that this requires makes me leave this journal for even longer.

today chris is thinking, he's looking on myspace and reading the blogs of certain people, these people seem quite fashionable, 'emo' if you will, and this current trend makes it 'ok' for people to seem deep, meaningful, and thought provoking.

people are ranting about things, and are then commented by others saying how much 'depth' their entries have. but it all seems a bit immature. nearly every rant i see on myspace is about rebelling against society, teen angst.

but then there's one thing these rants have that mine don't, optimism. there's always some one-liner at the end that makes people think 'well, it's not the end of the world!', which makes me realise that mine don't. so am i just another angsty blogger? do my entries have a passion that inspire people? i'm really not sure.

if i looked at my journal through other eyes, it would be quite....whiny.

i guess we always rant according to our mentality. because i feel i see things that most people don't (i'm not pretentious about it), then i try to write these down. i suppose aswell as making my view heard, i look for support, so i know i'm not alone in my thinking. i think i'm alone with views a lot.

it's just that everything i rant about eventually turns into whining, i'm wondering how to stop this. where is my optimistic edge? do i really hate the world i'm living in?

jealousy i suppose. when i rant into oblivion people think i need to lighten up, and yet when i see other people i know do it, they are told how deep and fantasic they are, even though it is not insightful at all.

stale brains.
 
 
06 August 2005 @ 12:01 pm
so i havent had an entry on this thing for quite a while, so i thought i would return to it. livejournal is annoying me a bit, and i don't know why. i think i prefer the colours of diaryland, and the fact that my diary looks a lot better on here than my bog standard livejournal one....i will still write in it now and again though i'm sure, so i had better give you the link : </p>

http://www.livejournal.com/users/vibracobra

i think that's it anyway.

so as per usual, a lot has happened since i updated last. i now have someone, which has made me so incredibly happy. read my livejournal for all the info regarding that.

so what am i doing at the moment you ask? not a lot, as it has been for a few weeks now. i'm so lacking anything that makes me human at the moment....i have no motivation.

i did go swimming today however. it was the first time since i went with carly in summer 2001. it was pretty good i suppose, well, as fun as swimming with your brother can be. i always really pity him when we go swimming. he always has to take his glasses off, rendering him unable to see anything within a foot of him. he always looks so panicky when he's swimming....he assures me this is not the case, but still, it worries me.

tomorrow night chris has invited me over his place for a bbq, which will probably involve not much bbq and a lot of alcohol, if i know chris. it should be fun though. it will also be my first time seeing susie since she turned 18, i really need to get up early and get her a card tomorrow.

thursday is going to be quite a packed day. first of all we're going to the balloon fiesta, which should be a lot of drunken fun. i need to remind myself to take sun lotion with me though. the last time we went to a festival at ashton court, all we did was sit in the exact same place all day and drink....it was cloudy and yet my face still managed to turn lobster red. it was truly digusting. i think i will be a human blob of sun lotion on thursday.

after the fiesta, we're going to the mandrake to celebrate susies coming of age. it should be pretty fun, i'll be completely out of my face by that time so it will be cheap...i probably wont want to drink. it worries me though.....the 'goth friends'...yes, the friends that i met at ashton court festival, kate and alex, will be there with a few other people. i just don't want to cause any kind of confliction between both groups. at ashton court, i brought kate and alex to the group, introduced them, and then said that i was going to go with them for a while and catch up....to which chris replied 'fine! go and be a goth with your goth friends!' i have to add that he said this whilst they were both stood there, it was horrible. i just don't want the same thing to happen again. i don't want to have to worry about what other people think of them. i mean, they're both really cool people, it's just that chris seems to have something against new people, or at least people in a 'different group'. that's why we never see steve anymore, he prefers the company of the 'different group'.

why can't people just get along? it baffles me. and if they can't get along, why not just be polite and smile and nod and pretend to laugh? if i see any cold, bitchy stares on thursday night i think i will begin to wonder why i'm even there in the first place.

i miss jen. she misses me. she says i should be able to sleep round sometime soon. this is good. i'm hoping it's this weekend. i need to see her.

anyway, enough of the journal-ness for now, i'm off.

bye bye

Chris xx

 
 
31 July 2005 @ 04:23 pm
...thinking i've had this journal for over 2 years now. it's funny how at the time you write entries,you feel mature, in control, but then look back months/years later and realise your inexperience and naive attitude.

anyway, i'm still waiting to start work, references are taking a while.

lots of waking up late, and drinking.

we have a table tennis table, it's too fun =) i thought i would get bored of it easily but its not happening.

i really need to get somewhere with my music now, i need to stop closing it in and try promoting it to people, and just generally share it. i keep feeling sorry for myself that i haven't got anywhere, but then i realise i haven't even really tried. once i buy my equipment, things are going to get moving, even if i have to start by doing acoustic sets.
 
 
Current Mood: fullfull
 
 
11 July 2005 @ 12:18 am
once again, it's been a long time. i bummed around again for a while. i now have a job, i start in two weeks. maybe a bit longer. i will be working in a nursing home for adults with learning difficulties, go me. this means money, which means buying things...monneeyyyyy. i need to make more music too. i just donated to makepovertyhistory, i always detach myself, always think that they will never make a difference,or that people wont be interested, but i'll try.....as tesco say, every little helps....i think that was tesco. feeling good about myself =) i have aims. stopping the alcohol, the weekly binge is all good but i'm drinking every single day, feeling seriously unhealthy. stopping the smoking when i drink too. not getting enough exercise, going to take up swimming again. wooohooo. hope everyone that reads this has been well!
 
 
Current Mood: hothot
Current Music: U2 - do you feel loved?